New Year -> New You!

I thought I'd start a blog, with all the changes in my life, kind of picking up and starting over? I've done a couple blogs in the past, but they're only lasted a couple weeks - let's hope this one stays!

Changes:
1. first teaching job - 4th grade in Charleston, WV
2. moved into my first apartment, by myself, 3 hours away from "home"
3. trying to meet new people and friends in such a new environment
4. reevaluating and trying to change how I've been living life
5. sooo much ....

I've been "home" for Christmas and New Year's after the first 3 weeks of my new job. I was so excited to come home and just relax. That lasted 2? 3 days? My stepdad and I have always had issues, but lately it's just been getting worse. I have said things I've shouldn't have and vice versa. We have not spoken in 4 or 5 days since our latest blowout, and I'm heading back downstate tomorrow morning. This has been happening since I was in 8th grade, so normally, I brush it off easily and move on. For some reason, this one is sticking with me and has really been affecting me. I love my mom with all my heart, but feel so bad for her that she feels as though she cannot walk away from it all. She keeps saying she is going to save up so she can leave, but it never happens. I can tell my mom has been really affected by the latest drama and fighting in this house. She feels like everything that happens is her fault. I see so much of myself in her, and just want her to know it's not her fault. I want her to be happy, and knows she isn't here. She has been trying to make it up to me, and even offered to take me out to breakfast before I leave in the morning. I wish she could be happy, and I could just take her with me away from all of this.

This past year, I've done some things I never thought I would have. I began the year in a new, great relationship. I had the privilege of completing the second half of my student teaching on the Patrick Henry Village Army Base in Heidelberg, Germany, as well as traveling Europe a little. I graduated from college with my bachelor's in Elementary Education. I went to Camp Luther for the 14th time, and got to experience my first ever YoungLife Camp in New York at Lake Champion. I found a wonderful church, called The Experience (TE), that has been opening my eyes to things I've always known, but not exactly applied to my life. I decided to become a YoungLife leader, and absolutely loved my group of kids from John Marshall High School. I recently took my first full-time teaching job in Charleston, WV in a fourth grade classroom.

Maybe it's been all the sudden changes in life, but these past couple weeks, I feel like I've been reevaluating everything in my life. If you know me, I tend to be the emotional one =). Lately, that has definitely been the word to describe me. Again, I'm hoping it's all of the changes and me still figuring out what my life is doing that is causing the occasional breakdown - haha. I love my family, but sometimes just feel lost with them. I turn to friends for support and encouragement, but feel as though no one understands most days. I just end up more discouraged at the end, then self conscious because they don't get it. I've been trying more to turn to faith, but feel like I keep stumbling.

This past year, I've done a lot of good and a lot of stupid things. I've been in situations where I was looking to my friends for spiritual growth and guidance. Looking back now, I see some of the terrible mistakes I've made, and sadly, justified them as if they were ok. While I thought I was getting closer to God through some people, in the end, I think I was just becoming more confused and turning away. I turn to that for comfort now, even though it's pulling me from God.

These next few weeks are going to be dedicated for me to figure out which direction I want to be going. I want to get back on track with God. I want to go to work and truly enjoy it among the stress and newness of everything. I want to try and discern where exactly God wants me to be after my contract ends in June (Wheeling, Charleston, anywhere, etc.). I want to make a difference, somewhere, somehow. I want my friends to enjoy being around me, not think, "oh gosh, she's crying" haha. I want to show Jesus through me, but need to be completely dependent on God.