It's Amazing How You Love Me

This past month has been very stressful! Change in semesters at school, conferences, grades, still adjusting to everything on my own, YoungLife starting back up, job searching for next year, etc., etc. I was veeerrryyyyy sick for about a week and a half, and am finally feeling better. It literally drained me on top of the everyday stuff already.

Last weekend, I went home for Leadership Weekend at Oglebay. This was my first YoungLife event last year, and I was so excited to see everyone from home. I got to see 6 kids from the school I led at at home, and all the leaders from home! It was nice to be around friends for at least part of the weekend. I am still adjusting to how things run in Charleston and getting to know everyone. On the one night, I was by myself looking for something in my bags, and another one of the girls came in and asked me how I was. (She is also new to the area.) After a long day, I easily just poured myself out. She was so caring and sweet to me. I really needed her support, and it meant a lot to me. She listened to my concerns, and shared that she had felt the same way most of the time. It was great to know I wasn't alone. She was encouraging in that we had to keep pressing on and remember why we were involved in the first place. I am so happy to finally have met someone to count on down here.

Still job searching. Applying for some jobs, but there's nothing really available right now. I just keep praying that God will show me where He wants me to be. The hardest part is just leaving it in God's hands, but I am trying to put all my trust in Him each day. I am still doing the OWNit365 plan with my home church, where we are reading the Bible in a year. It has been much more exciting than I first thought.

I hope to start leading for YoungLife or WyldLife this semester. It is hard as I am unsure if I will still be here next year. I am scared of becoming attached to the kids again, and having to leave after a semester like last fall. I am definitely going to be involved though, but am still deciding where. I'm praying for guidance to put me where I can best serve.

The past couple months, I have really been analyzing how I have been living, especially in the last year or so. While I can never remember a time I wasn't a Christian, I don't think I necessarily lived how I should have. I have always followed Christ, but am now striving with walk WITH Him. I was the "good" girl among most of my friends, so when I did mess up, it wasn't a "big deal." I did things society considers normal and "not that bad." However, if I am going to live a life that is supposed to be representing Christ, I cannot accept the worldy view of what is right and wrong. I am becoming more conscious of how I act. While I am nowhere near where I want to be, and feel like I am taking baby steps, I am striving to walk with Christ instead of just following Him and living my life like everyone else. I should live one life and be proud of it.

The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in San Francisco. - Mark Twain

*Taken once stopped at a point - NOT while driving!

After getting breakfast with my mom, I headed back to Charleston since school starts tomorrow. If you know me, you know I do not like winter or being cold. If it has to snow, it better be when I have no where to go - haha. Well, today was pretty much the opposite of that. The first hour and a half of my drive was pretty boring, and nothing but an occasional flurry. The drive total only takes about 2.5-3 hours. I was thinking I was in the home stretch. about 50 miles outside of Charleston, I hit a HUGE blizzard. I could barely see the car in front of me, let alone the road. Driving through West Virginia isn't exactly the straightest highway either. The road was covered, but wasn't too bad as long as you followed the car's tracks from the guy in front of you.

However, about every five miles was another mountain or hill - yes, that means going UP. My car isn't the most sturdy for winter weather, so saying that I was shaking would be an understatement. I'm crawling behind the car in front of me, while people are flying by me in the other lane - normally I am that person. Why would you do that?!? 1. You're driving in a lane that covered in snow, with NO tracks to follow, and no one has touched that lane for probably a good 30 minutes. 2. When you do slide, you are flying and are probably going to slide into me! 3. Why do cars pull off the road going UP hill? try to make it up the hill, THEN pull over - you'll for sure be stuck!

After getting through the first TWO blizzards, I was lucky enough to come up on a city with lots of restaurants, stores, etc. I crawled off the exit, filled up my gas tank, and decided to wait it out about an hour. I was still shaking when I called my mom to update her on everything. After that, I just wanted to get back to my apartment, so I just decided to try and get through the last 40 minutes or so of the drive. When I got back on the highway, it was much clearer and people were going the normal speed limit. Ten minutes later - ANOTHER BLIZZARD! After about 20 minutes and barely going 5 miles, it cleared up too.

I was finally about 10-15 miles from downtown Charleston and it was as clear as could be. Finally! As I crossed the bridge downtown, INSTANT BLIZZARD again! It's incredible how fast the weather changed! I finally made it back to the apartment, then had to unload everything - my shoes and socks are STILL soaking from the snow.

Good side to it all? I have my first 2-hour delay as a "real" teacher! Well, here it is a "code C." We still have to report at regular time, but the deadline to cancel is almost an hour after we are already there. My principal said I could just wait to see if its cancelled, and if not, just come in then. So I still get an extra hour! I never though I'd say I am excited to wake up at 7! =)

New Year -> New You!

I thought I'd start a blog, with all the changes in my life, kind of picking up and starting over? I've done a couple blogs in the past, but they're only lasted a couple weeks - let's hope this one stays!

Changes:
1. first teaching job - 4th grade in Charleston, WV
2. moved into my first apartment, by myself, 3 hours away from "home"
3. trying to meet new people and friends in such a new environment
4. reevaluating and trying to change how I've been living life
5. sooo much ....

I've been "home" for Christmas and New Year's after the first 3 weeks of my new job. I was so excited to come home and just relax. That lasted 2? 3 days? My stepdad and I have always had issues, but lately it's just been getting worse. I have said things I've shouldn't have and vice versa. We have not spoken in 4 or 5 days since our latest blowout, and I'm heading back downstate tomorrow morning. This has been happening since I was in 8th grade, so normally, I brush it off easily and move on. For some reason, this one is sticking with me and has really been affecting me. I love my mom with all my heart, but feel so bad for her that she feels as though she cannot walk away from it all. She keeps saying she is going to save up so she can leave, but it never happens. I can tell my mom has been really affected by the latest drama and fighting in this house. She feels like everything that happens is her fault. I see so much of myself in her, and just want her to know it's not her fault. I want her to be happy, and knows she isn't here. She has been trying to make it up to me, and even offered to take me out to breakfast before I leave in the morning. I wish she could be happy, and I could just take her with me away from all of this.

This past year, I've done some things I never thought I would have. I began the year in a new, great relationship. I had the privilege of completing the second half of my student teaching on the Patrick Henry Village Army Base in Heidelberg, Germany, as well as traveling Europe a little. I graduated from college with my bachelor's in Elementary Education. I went to Camp Luther for the 14th time, and got to experience my first ever YoungLife Camp in New York at Lake Champion. I found a wonderful church, called The Experience (TE), that has been opening my eyes to things I've always known, but not exactly applied to my life. I decided to become a YoungLife leader, and absolutely loved my group of kids from John Marshall High School. I recently took my first full-time teaching job in Charleston, WV in a fourth grade classroom.

Maybe it's been all the sudden changes in life, but these past couple weeks, I feel like I've been reevaluating everything in my life. If you know me, I tend to be the emotional one =). Lately, that has definitely been the word to describe me. Again, I'm hoping it's all of the changes and me still figuring out what my life is doing that is causing the occasional breakdown - haha. I love my family, but sometimes just feel lost with them. I turn to friends for support and encouragement, but feel as though no one understands most days. I just end up more discouraged at the end, then self conscious because they don't get it. I've been trying more to turn to faith, but feel like I keep stumbling.

This past year, I've done a lot of good and a lot of stupid things. I've been in situations where I was looking to my friends for spiritual growth and guidance. Looking back now, I see some of the terrible mistakes I've made, and sadly, justified them as if they were ok. While I thought I was getting closer to God through some people, in the end, I think I was just becoming more confused and turning away. I turn to that for comfort now, even though it's pulling me from God.

These next few weeks are going to be dedicated for me to figure out which direction I want to be going. I want to get back on track with God. I want to go to work and truly enjoy it among the stress and newness of everything. I want to try and discern where exactly God wants me to be after my contract ends in June (Wheeling, Charleston, anywhere, etc.). I want to make a difference, somewhere, somehow. I want my friends to enjoy being around me, not think, "oh gosh, she's crying" haha. I want to show Jesus through me, but need to be completely dependent on God.